I struggle every day with surrender. With turning everything over to God. With letting go of control and seeking His will instead of my own. And I have suffered long and hard because of my refusal to let go.
My refusal doesn’t come from not wanting to- it comes from the fear of not knowing that I will be ok. It’s a lack of trust. My actions have often shown that I do not believe God will take care of me. His Word says He is love. It says every good and perfect gift comes from Him. That He has plans for me- plans to prosper and not to harm me. Believing what God says means trusting. And I don’t do that very well. People either. But I guess our relationships with people are a reflection of our relationship with God. If I felt secure- held in the everlasting arms of my Heavenly Father- I would feel secure in relationships here on Earth. Do you ever feel unloved even when everything around you proves otherwise? I do. Lack of trust. So I struggle to turn my will over and I suffer because of it. You would think I would eventually see that His will has to be better than my own pit of loneliness and self loathing. I’m working on it. I am much much better today than I was in the midst of my eating disorder. Everyday I eat is a step of faith. An act of surrender. It says “I’m trusting you, God. I’m not sure I know you will catch me yet, but I sure HOPE you will.” Today I may not fully trust, but I have found hope.
I now have a baby boy. This child is a gift of my attempt at surrender. My first major step in surrender came 4 years ago as I started eating and keeping it down. And it was a giant first step. My life is more fulfilling and beautiful than ever before. Blessing upon blessing. The greatest being the gifts of my husband and now 13 month old baby boy. I never imagined. If my life has gotten this much bigger and beautiful in just 4 years- imagine what it will be if I just keep stepping! But doubt and fear still take over daily.
And then there’s this child…. When I look at him I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is who He says He is. That His will and plan are so much better than mine. And the reason I know I believe is not because I have let go of my fears and attempts to stay in control- nope. Still there. The reason I know I believe is because when I look at him I pray. I can’t help it- it just flows out. And my prayer is “God, please take care of him”. Without even thinking about it, my constant prayers for my child show me that I do believe God to be the One who can take care of us the best. He is the ultimate caregiver. Not me. I don’t know what’s best. I have no control over my child’s future. I can decide between breastfeeding and formula, pampers and huggies… I can decide to co-sleep. I can choose baby led weaning. I can do what I think is best and love him with all I am. But my love and my attempts to take care for him are nothing compared to our heavenly, perfect Parent. This child belongs to God. He is not ours. He has been entrusted to us for this time. And thank God for that. Goodness knows I will screw it all up. Cause that is what we do y’all. That’s why there are giant messes all over the place. Just turn on the news for 5 minutes- you’ll see. It’s why relationships are broken and so messy. We- on our own- make one giant hot mess.
So please baby boy- don’t fight the One who can give you all the desires of your sweet little heart. Stay in that childlike faith and surrender. Trust Him. Depend on Him first and foremost. I am only a reflection of God’s love for you. A reflection is never as bright and clear as the real thing. I will mess up. Over and over and over again. I already have messed up more times than I can count in your short 13 months of life. And I will continue. I am imperfect. My love for you is as perfect as anything I’ve known and yet it is still so imperfect and fallible. Allow God’s perfect will and His perfect love to encompass you all the days of your life.