And so I begin again…

Always we can begin again. Thank goodness, right? I don’t know about you but I am needing to begin again on the regular. As a Christ follower, thank God His mercies are new every morning cause I sure need those new mercies. As a woman in recovery, I am grateful for the chance to begin again and again and again. As a wife… oh my. Do you ever hear yourself saying something and as it comes out you think NOOOOOOO! You wish you could grab it and put it right back in?? Ugh. Thank you, Husband, for allowing me to always begin again. As a mom, thank the good Lord I can begin again sometimes every hour. I’m not the most patient mommy when I’m up for the 6th time that night (you read that right. 6. Sleep is not high on my child’s list of priorities.) And as a blogger, today, I begin again.

Some of you may remember my blog from years ago. It was focused on recovery from my eating disorder. And then I relapsed and hit rock bottom. Again. Can you have multiple rock bottoms? Cause I did. And I didn’t write again… until now. Eating disorders shut you down and shut you up. That is their purpose. To silence. Fuel shame. They want you to hide. Do not speak truth. They feed on lies. If I speak up, if I speak out, if I show others who I am- then I have no need to wear that protective armor. Having said that, my writing this time around will not be specifically about eating disorders- it will be about life. Cause y’all… I don’t have a food issue. I didn’t ever have a food issue. I have a living issue. Life. Living. People. Relationships. And God. Those are my issues. And I still have them. A few years of eating well, a loving husband, and a beautiful baby and I still have those issues.

For those of us that have those issues- the life, living, people, relationships, God issues- it is extremely difficult to put anything out there for others to see. Even a picture on Facebook. I’ve been described before as private. I’m not really private- I’m scared. Big difference. But writing is tugging at me again. I have a lot to say. I have big thoughts. Many people describe big feelings (trust me, I have those too) but I also have big thoughts. Just go with the image cause that’s what it feels like (insert head exploding emoji here). Not right thoughts or wrong thoughts- just BIG. And if you will humor me and allow me to speak here, my husband will be ever so grateful.

About the scared. Or, really, about the God issue. Cause they are one in the same. I don’t have trouble believing in God. Believing Jesus is the Son of God. But I do struggle with trusting God. Isn’t that the root of all fear? Lack of trusting God? And when we humans struggle to trust God, it causes us to look for someone on earth to trust. There were many someones I tried to find trust in along the way. But someones always always fail. Always. So then it becomes a lack of trusting people. And if I can’t trust God and I can’t trust people then I am alone. NO one person can be perfectly trustworthy. Only God can. Oh… and food and weight loss. Or maybe alcohol. Or maybe drugs. Right?? They don’t ever leave. Always there. Always predictable. And ever so safe. So it seems. The problem with the food, weight loss, alcohol, drugs (or work, relationships, money, etc) is that eventually they tear us apart and destroy the soul. They attack the very core of who we are: God’s children. Wholly loved. Wholly treasured. Wholly made in His image. His beloved.

So this is the new blog: it’s about a woman, wife, and mom struggling with life, living, people, relationships, and God. Willing to be open about it, taking one new step at a time, and trying hard to love people along the way. Join me?